Sam Kinison was an American stand-up comedian known for his loud, raunchy, and politically incorrect style of comedy. With his wild hair, intense delivery, and unique voice, Kinison quickly became a favorite among audiences in the 1980s. He tackled taboo subjects with his sharp wit and often used his comedy to critique societal norms and hypocrisy.
Throughout his career, Kinison left a lasting impact on the comedy world, and his quotes continue to be celebrated for their humor and thought-provoking nature. Whether you’re a fan of Kinison or just looking for a good laugh, here are some memorable quotes from the legendary comedian.
Warning: Some quotes may contain explicit language and mature content.
Read these Comedian Sam Kinison Quotes
“You’re not going to be a smartass with me. You’re not going to play the dozens with me and roll me into an area where I have to defend myself. I’m going to cut your head off before you can get that far.”
“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
“I’m not gonna worry about this. I’m not gonna worry about that. I’m not gonna worry about the other. I’m not gonna worry about what’s gonna happen if I go out in the street and get hit by a truck. I’m not gonna worry about that ’cause I’m not gonna be there!”
“I’m not a good lover. I’m a great lover! I practice a lot on my hand.”
“I hate when people ask me if I have a lighter, man. I don’t have a lighter. I have no idea where my lighter is, man. It’s like asking somebody if they’ve got a friggin’ shovel. ‘Hey, buddy, you got a shovel?’ ‘No, I was just using it to bury your mom in the backyard!'”
“I’m not going to tell you how to live your life. I’m just going to try to make it more interesting by telling you how I live mine.”
“You know what I do when I’m alone and lonely? I pick up a guitar. I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs. I pick up a guitar and I sing some rock ‘n’ roll!”
“You know why I think men are stupid? Because they think women are smart.”
“I saw a commercial where they said, ‘Forget everything you know about slipcovers.’ So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn’t know what the hell they were!”
“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”
“If you want to know what your wife would look like without plastic surgery, just look at her mother.”
“I’m not going to lie to you, folks. I think about sex all the time. But I don’t have sex all the time. That’s the difference.”
“I love America. I just hate the people.”
“I can’t do a movie that’s going to make me wear a tie every day. I am not going to do a movie where I’m going to play a lawyer or a doctor. I hated school.”
“You know why men make more money than women? Because in the unlikely event that we’re both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay. That’s why I get the dollar more an hour.”
“I used to think I’d never be able to live without you. Then I got a life and realized how much easier it was.”
“I want to go to Africa. I want to see some naked natives. ‘Hey, put some clothes on!’ ‘Why? It’s hot!'”
“You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado convertible, hot pink, with whale skin hubcaps and all leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights. Yeah! And I’m gonna drive around in that baby at 115 miles per hour, getting one mile per gallon, sucking down quarter-pound cheeseburgers from McDonald’s in the old-fashioned nonbiodegradable Styrofoam containers, and when I’m done sucking down those greaseball burgers, I’m gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag and then toss the Styrofoam containers right out the side, and there ain’t a goddamn thing anybody can do about it!”
“Marriage is a sacred institution, and I don’t like to see people who abuse it, like the way I did.”
“People tell me I shouldn’t do jokes about religion. I tell them, ‘Listen, I’m not making fun of God. I’m making fun of people who believe in God! There’s a big difference!’
“I get laid, like, twice a year. I’m not saying I don’t have sex. I’m saying I don’t want it. I just want to be loved. Somebody to hold me. Somebody to cuddle up with, you know? And then the phone rings, ‘Hey, you wanna have sex?’ ‘Hell no! I’m watching Oprah!'”
These quotes offer a glimpse into the comedic genius that was Sam Kinison. His unapologetic and boundary-pushing style continues to inspire and entertain comedy lovers around the world.
