John Mulaney is a well-known American comedian and actor who has brought endless laughter to audiences around the world. With his unique storytelling style and quick wit, Mulaney has become a fan-favorite in the comedy world. One of the reasons why his comedy resonates with so many people is his ability to turn mundane everyday situations into hilarious anecdotes. Whether it’s about growing up, relationships, or just observations about life, Mulaney never fails to deliver laughs.
If you’re in need of a good laugh, look no further! We’ve gathered some of the funniest quotes from John Mulaney that are sure to brighten your day. From his stand-up specials to his television appearances, Mulaney has left us with countless memorable moments. So sit back, relax, and get ready to laugh out loud!
Whether you’re a long-time fan or new to John Mulaney’s comedy, these funny quotes will surely have you in stitches. From his hilarious take on life’s absurdities to his razor-sharp wit, Mulaney has a way of making even the most mundane situations seem hilarious. So, without further ado, here are some of the best John Mulaney funny quotes:
Read these John Mulaney Funny Quotes
“I don’t look older, I just look worse.”
“I used to black out a lot. I was blackout drunk, so I had to stop that.”
“I’m very small and I have no money. So, you can imagine the kind of stress that I’m under.”
“I was always the kid in school who tried to get out of gym class. It turns out, when you get older, they just call it depression.”
“I have no interest in cocaine. I just like the way it smells.”
“You know you’re getting old when you start making sounds getting out of chairs. ‘Ooooh, ooooh!'”
“I don’t look like someone who used to do anything.”
“I was once on a game show and I had to guess what a picture was. And the picture was: a boat. And I said, ‘I think that’s a boat.’ And the host said, ‘It’s a boat!’
“I went to a doctor. I said, ‘I need something for my throat, it hurts when I swallow.’ And he said, ‘Okay, let me see.’ And I said, ‘Ahhhh!’ And he said, ‘Yeah, that looks pretty bad.’
“I don’t know how much longer I can wear a hoodie and jeans without looking like I’m going to tell the youth group about Jesus.”
“I’m always amazed when people tell me that they’re ‘bad at lying.’ Honey, you’re not bad at lying, you’re just bad at not looking like a liar.”
“You ever have a friend and you think, ‘You’re my friend, you’re close to me.’ And then they say something and you’re like, ‘No, we’re not friends anymore.”
“I don’t know what it is about hotels, but as soon as I check in, I become a total slob. ‘Oh, I’ll just throw my clothes everywhere, it’s fine.'”
“I was once on a plane and the flight attendant said, ‘If there’s a sudden loss in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Place the mask over your own mouth and nose first before helping children or adults acting like children.'”
“I think that if you’re going to have a pet, you should be able to pet it. You know, like a dog or a cat. Not a fish or a snake. That’s not petting, that’s just looking.”
“I don’t know anything about cars. I know they have wheels and one of them is a spare, but that’s about it. I don’t even know how to drive! I just pretend.”
“I once had a job as a temp, and my boss said to me, ‘I need you to do this task quickly and efficiently.’ I said, ‘Well, I can do it quickly or I can do it efficiently. But I can’t do both.”
“I’m not a morning person. If I had my way, I would start my day at 3pm and end it at 4pm. That’s a good solid hour of productivity.”
“I went to a wedding once where the couple released doves after they said their vows. And I thought, ‘That’s nice, but I would have been more impressed if they released tacos. That’s a commitment I can get behind.”
“I’m not good with confrontation. If someone yells at me, I start crying. And then they feel bad and apologize. It’s a foolproof plan.”
“I don’t like exercise. I once tried yoga, but all I did was lay on the floor and cry. And then they said, ‘That’s savasana.'”
These are just a few of the hilarious quotes that John Mulaney has blessed us with. His unique perspective on life and his ability to find humor in the smallest of things is what sets him apart as a comedian. So, whenever you’re in need of a good laugh, just remember these quotes and let the laughter begin!
