Malory Archer is one of the most iconic characters from the animated television series “Archer.” Voiced by Jessica Walter, Malory is the tough and cunning mother of the show’s protagonist, Sterling Archer. Known for her sharp wit and sarcastic remarks, Malory Archer has become a fan favorite, delivering some of the most memorable lines in the show. In this article, we have compiled a list of the best Malory Archer quotes that will make you laugh and appreciate her character even more.
Read these Malory Archer quotes
“If I cared about what you do on the weekends, I’d stick a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes.”
“The only thing I’m sorry about is that I didn’t break your legs.”
“If I find out you’re lying to me, I’ll cut your face off and wear it over my own.”
“Like my mother always said, ‘You can’t keep a secret if you’re dead.”
“You’re not my supervisor!”
“Do you want ants? Because that’s how you get ants!”
“Oh, please. I’ve slept through malaria.”
“What part of ‘I’m your mother’ don’t you understand?”
“I’m not a mother, I’m a monster!”
“You wanna know why you can’t keep a man? Because you’re asexual.”
“You’re about as useful as a cock-flavored lollipop.”
“I swear to God I had something for this.”
“It’s not an affair, it’s espionage!”
“Don’t threaten me, I’ll use your mother’s ashes to make a beautiful wreath for her urn.”
“I don’t care if you live or die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
“I don’t trust any man who doesn’t masturbate.”
“You give me a baby, I’ll give you a shiny nickel.”
“I’m not saying I invented the turtleneck, but I was the first person to realize its potential as a tactical garment.”
“I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
“Well, I’m sorry, dear, but mother doesn’t speak whore.”
These Malory Archer quotes showcase her sharp tongue and no-nonsense attitude. Whether she’s insulting her son or threatening her employees, Malory never fails to deliver a memorable line. Her wit and sarcasm have made her one of the most beloved characters in “Archer.” So, the next time you need a good laugh, remember these quotes and let Malory Archer’s words brighten your day.
